Dear Dr. Marshall,
My husband and I recently experienced a death in the family. While we are all doing our work in grief counseling, I was wondering what you would suggest for me to do as I support my teen in her grief?
Dear Mom For Mental Health,
Let me begin by expressing my condolences for your loss. The first thing that comes to mind is something I heard during a recent meeting of clinical supervisors, and that is to "hold the space for the emotion" of the individual. This simply means inviting someone to express themselves while you allow that emotion sit in the space without judgement. Further, you must avoid the temptation to analyze, attempt to fix, or otherwise "poke" at that feeling. With the instinct to want to fix everything for our kids, this is easier said then done.
Grief is personal and everyone experiences it uniquely. I recommend a parent allow for whatever your teen needs. Some parents don't want their child to attend a funeral, however, there can be a lot of peace and closure in this ritual. What might be scary for one child in their grief may be therapeutic to another. For teens in particular, grief can be characterized by larger existential questions like "why did this have to happen?" and as a parent it is o.k. to let them know that you don't have all the answers.
I know I am giving very broad suggestions, but grief is unpredictable and while there are cycles of grief, those cycles do not follow a strict pattern.
In summary:
- Be present (even in the silence) and check in frequently
- Acknowledge, accept, allow the feelings and thoughts that come forth from your teen, even if it feels like a roller coaster
- Encourage your teen to process, honor the memories, seek closure and understanding
- Check in with a therapist and other adults in your child's life to have your finger on the pulse of how she is doing
- Make sure basic needs are managed well: eating, sleeping, socializing, family time, etc
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